i don’t care
call me intelligent
tell me my laugh is contagious;
that i made you smile
tell me i have something to offer (via silver-blonde)
You want to know what’s wrong with me? I was left alone because I wasn’t good enough as a kid, that’s how I feel every morning when I lift my head off the pillow. I look in the mirror and try to say you are good enough. I push every one away because I’m terrified they will all leave it’s all I think about, why would they stay around? What do I have to offer? I just want to be held at 3am when I’m freezing. I want to be kissed in the middle of a sentence just because. I want to be told i love you when I need it most and just because it can be said I want to write a book because i enjoy writing so much, I want to travel to other countries and take pictures and meet new people without having a panic attack, I want to meet my uncle and nephews I’ve never met, I want to feel like a normal person, I want to look like I fit in to society, I want to be able to find a bathing suite that will actually fit me, I want to learn sign language and take my music some where, I want to write songs and sing them to people who matter, it’s hard knowing that the one person that was supposed to be there just walked away like it was no big deal. It’s why it’s so easy for me to just close up just cut it all off, it’s hard to think someone could want to stay with someone like me, I’m crazy, jealous, stupid, irrational, obsessive, music is what makes the only sense to me most days, words, writing, thinking out loud, I talk to myself to make sense of my life, I want to see snow when I wake up on Christmas with a tree and hot chocolate, I want to see the sun coming up over the ocean at least once. I want to learn to surf and not break out in hives. I don’t want to be scared anymore I don’t want to waste my life, I want a family one day but I’m so scared I’ll just end up like my dad because I get scared and run….. It’s what I do. I chicken out because I’m terrified I’ll fail…. There are people who should always have your back, your parents and your siblings. My mom has my back, Devin and Chris have my back, most days, by dad was no where when I needed him. Your supposed to be daddy’s little girl. He supposed to scare the boy friends when I’m 16 and going on my first date. He’s supposed to tell me all guys aren’t like that and I’ll find someone because I’m not perfect far far from it but one day someone will take all my flaws and think of me as imperfect but wouldn’t change me for anything. He was supposed to be the. Person I could run to when everything went wrong. Helping with homework or daddy daughter date nights. Not letting his ex wife beat the crap out of us. Not never speaking to me. Ya know I understand to an extent he didn’t know what to do or how to act, but he never even tried. Nothing, half the time he forgot my birthday and it’s six days before his. I want to let it all go and just know that I can open up, I can let someone see my all my flaws even when I’m crazy…. I’m just so terrified that everyone will find someone better. So that guard it just stays up, it’s never ever been down. Not even once. I dont know how to let it go. No one works with me because they just get so annoyed with it and say fuck it. Call me pathetic tell me I’m stupid. I’m so used to it I believe it now. I alas get bad guy feelings because that’s what happens when I start feeling close to someone and I close up, my outlook is why tell them they will probably leave anyways. I can’t keep thinking like that. I literally don’t know how to tell someone when something is bothering me. I don’t, nt a god damn clue. I just stand there pissed off because if I tell them they will be mad at me. I want to open up and explain things and let you know the inside of my head because your the only person I would trust to not think I’m crazy and I hope to everything I’m right
"My philosophy is: If you can’t have fun, there’s no sense in doing it."
Rest In Peace Paul Walker (September 12th, 1973-November 30th, 2013)
most amazing quotes on my blog♡
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new found glory!